"Hi! I'm Christopher, and this is my adopted daughter Opal Louise. We are having quite a day. My Prius' nickel battery is acting up, my iPhone's as dead as Farrah Fawcett, and my life partner Michael is at a Grey Goose event in Reykjavík. Can I use your phone?"
/r/americandadHappy National Coffee Day, y'all.
/r/americandadWatch how Wheels and Legman got formed!
/r/americandadI am blown away that you have been lying about Aunt Gwen all these years! | Okay! Let's get to the bottom of this! You say 'awnt' when everyone else in the family says 'ant'...what's the deal with that?
/r/americandadOh “glamping,” huh, Smith? You refuse to use that word for six years, then suddenly your son shows up, & it’s like you thought of it.
/r/americandadI don’t think you’re right for me! And that makes me sad, and I don’t want to waste these tears so I’m watering this plant.
/r/americandadHe sounded like The Beatles. Not when they sing, but when they do interviews.
/r/americandadReason Why Jeff, Francine and Roger Can't Get Jobs
/r/americandadIncorrect. The word was "diarrhea". You spelled "Diary of a Mad Black Woman".
/r/americandad[homemade] Live laugh love
/r/americandadOh looks like we got some customers Jeff, you boys come for some shawarma? Come on, Get it (WAR CRY)!!!
/r/americandadIt says “no touchy”
/r/americandadI wrote the note and kidnapped Akiko | You what?!
/r/americandadBeen here a little over a month and someone quits daily. They also refuse to hire more office help, do direct deposit, or even buy another stapler. 5 people share a stapler.
/r/americandadBird watching buddies!
/r/americandadReally excited for Ham Club this month
/r/americandadWho else but Roger?
/r/americandadI don't miss her 6-month supply of casseroles. Man, I'm glad we finished them. | I just wish Dad hadn't added all those noodles to make 'em last twice as long. | What choice did he have? Freezer burn ruined 90% of them. | Wait, I can do this. 6 divided by... carry the noodle... It's 2 months later!
/r/americandadPost yer original Roger Personas (e.g. Jimmy Cocaine: 80’s style investment banker)
/r/americandad"Now, isn't that a curious way to look at someone?"
/r/americandadIt was good weed, Steve's!
/r/americandad“Well I would apologize to you if you didn’t look like a fat old man.”
/r/americandadGet your asses. In this tub. Right now
/r/americandadI realized a while ago that hands in American Dad look so weird (this is Jeff's hand after he puts on Hayley's proposal ring).
/r/americandadBest way to hang up a call
/r/americandadFrancine: "If we want to support Hayley in this we should take her to the dog track! That always gets my motor revvin'. Seeing all those dogs run reeeeeal faaaaast."
/r/americandadWhy the "300" episode is the 299th???
/r/americandad"If I don't make it out of there, tell my wife I love her. And Keira Knightley, tell Keira Knightley I love her. And Orlando Bloom. You know what? The whole cast! The whole damn dirty pirate cast! But not Geoffrey Rush. But do it in front of Geoffrey Rush."